Scopes II was just the beginning

Making light of the Scopes II trial in Kansas, Morbo over at The Carpetbagger Report has the funniest stuff!

June 7-9: State of Kansas v. The Theory of Gravity: The theory of gravity says an invisible (how convenient!) force compels objects to fall downward. Yet we can look right up in the sky and see things hanging up there — such as clouds, the moon, kites and jets. Cleary the theory of gravity is in crisis; it’s full of weaknesses.

Alternative theory to be taught: “Intelligent Signage,” which holds that the horizon is just a cleverly painted backdrop.

June 22-24: State of Kansas v. The Germ Theory of Disease: Allegedly, diseases are caused by invisible (how convenient!) microbes called “germs.” No one has observed these “germs” enter cuts in anyone’s skin and cause sickness. This theory is about as solid as Jello! It’s collapsing all around us.

Alternative theory to be taught: “Intelligent Damnation,” which holds that sickness is punishment from God because of your sick, twisted, perverted, evil lifestyle.

July 5-7: State of Kansas v. The Theory of Plate Tectonics: Supposedly, the Earth’s crust rests on a series of plates. These plates were once joined together and can move. Yeah, right. What are they made of — china? No one has ever observed these plates move. This is one shaky theory.

Alternative Theory to be taught: “Intelligent Tortiseism,” which teaches that all of human existence rests on the back of a giant turtle.

July 19-21: State of Kansas v. The Theory of the Spherical Earth: Spherical Earth theory holds that the planet is round like a ball. This crumbling belief system, which was also espoused by Communists in the Soviet Union, is patently absurd. If the Earth were round, people in Australia would fall off. Do those ivory tower pointy heads think we’re idiots?

Alternative theory to be taught: Intelligent uni-planeism, the scientific theory that the Earth is single, long-running plane f a certain depth with dimensions that could be measured if e had a really big ruler.

August 1-19: Special event — State of Kansas v. Beelzebub .k.a Old Scratch, The Great Deluder, The Prince of Demons, ucifer, Satan and His Minions and Familiars et al: Acting on petition signed by a number of Kansas residents who have omplained of seeing “the skys full of Witches ryding about on their most evill broomes at nyte,” the attorney general will conduct full-scale witch trials for nearly three weeks. Suspects will be rounded up from Unitarian churches. Spectral evidence will be admitted!