“Thinking a lot of Tony Scott. Why? Seems to be the question. Even Jr. Seau. Why? Life isn’t always meant to be fulfilled as it relates to what others think YOUR life should be lived. Sometimes – there just isn’t anymore to do. Me, I can’t do harm to myself the way Tony did. Can’t feel pain or I won’t be able to go through with it. But I have been contemplating suicide by just falling gently asleep. I find it funny I always joked that I would go out using morphine but I can’t keep it down. Valium is easier – I just – want to go to sleep and not wake up in this earthly state.”That was the first entry in my suicide diary. I thought it would probably be my last, but then, as you all know, I was interrupted in the sleeping process by lots of banging on my door, LOUD fucking banging and things thrown at my windows and people screaming my name. I didn't want to open the door, but I also didn't want them to break it down. Sort of caught between done and not quite finished.
I'll follow up with more entries from my diary, as the next entry starts with me being in the hospital where the paramedics brought me right away, but before I was sent to the psychiatric hospital.