“Thinking a lot of Tony Scott. Why? Seems to be the question. Even Jr. Seau. Why? Life isn’t always meant to be fulfilled as it relates to what others think YOUR life should be lived. Sometimes – there just isn’t anymore to do. Me, I can’t do harm to myself the way Tony did. Can’t feel pain or I won’t be able to go through with it. But I have been contemplating suicide by just falling gently asleep. I find it funny I always joked that I would go out using morphine but I can’t keep it down. Valium is easier – I just – want to go to sleep and not wake up in this earthly state.”That was the first entry in my suicide diary. I thought it would probably be my last, but then, as you all know, I was interrupted in the sleeping process by lots of banging on my door, LOUD fucking banging and things thrown at my windows and people screaming my name. I didn't want to open the door, but I also didn't want them to break it down. Sort of caught between done and not quite finished.
I'll follow up with more entries from my diary, as the next entry starts with me being in the hospital where the paramedics brought me right away, but before I was sent to the psychiatric hospital.
2 comments:
I enjoyed seeing my therapist so much that it was the one day I looked forward to. I was too happy to be there. It made me feel good. I knew I might never admit being gentuinely suicidal, & in fact for several years I wasn't. So I made a deal. I said if I was ever really sinking inside, I'd find a way to signal her. I sent her a holiday card in early December 2003 saying, "I feel terrible" or something like that. The day she received the card an emergency response social worker showed at my apt (which was in total disarray as the result of an abandoned repainting job), with an EMS truck & a local cop to make sure I came along quietly. I did. When I handed him my cheap swiss army knife without being asked, he said to the social worker, "I don't think you'll need me." She agreed & dismissed him. I took the voluntary admission. I knew involuntary makes you a marked person, rights or no rights.
Yeah, I was a 5150 involuntary commitment to the pscyh hospital. Totally different, yet the same.
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