Friday, September 07, 2012

My Diary Entry Before Going To The Psych Hospital, Part 2

“Well, in hospital now, am going to be placed on an involuntary 72 hour psych hold. So much for being able to take care of myself. Guess when I get out, hell, I’ll be homeless. Great. So much for the system. Zaire tried to make me promise not to kill myself, and I am unable to grant him his wish. I don’t want to keep any of this up anymore. No job, no friends, part time daughter, zero time grandson – NO MONEY!!!! I just can’t believe (name withheld) has been ignoring me for days and (name withheld) blew me off and didn’t stop by tonight to pay me. And still I worry about my clients. Now I can’t do the work for (name withheld) and they will not know what happened to me or why I don’t text or call back. And of course (name withheld) is off to El Salvador so he will be useless as usual. Three days locked up in hospital – how weird is that going to be? I didn’t give the doctors any emergency call numbers so it will be interesting if anyone will be able to find out where I am. My daughter said she had to go home to sleep because she had work tomorrow. Great. Threw my cell phone in the garbage at home. Disconnected my Vonage phone and threw it into the garbage. Don’t know if anyone will find them. Turned off the cell anyway. Pretty sure I will be all alone, as usual. Nothing is going to change for the better. It is only going to get worse. Man, the Tony Scott suicide really got me going. Of course, I am afraid of heights, so no chance of that happening. But what does one do when one finally becomes useless in life, family, work and society as a whole? If I don’t make a difference anymore, what is the point? Everything points to a nothing life at this stage. I miss Zaire so much every day. I hate (name withheld) for what he has done to my daughter, Zaire and me. He’s a crude piece of shit and I want my grandson back. How strange it feels to be alone even when I’m in a hospital for trying to kill myself. NO ONE HERE. You’d think at lease one person would care. Ya think? Why can’t I just be at peace and go? Even my daughter had a score of people with her at the hospital when she tried to OD!!! But me? No one. Figures. At least I made out my last will but since I gave everything to Zaire, pretty sure my daughter will just rip it up. Oh well." [at this point, the hospital staff took my pen away, indicating it could be used to harm myself].
I had not been transferred to the psychiatric hospital yet. There are a few more entries before I got there.

Since I have been out, and finally got through the Labor Day weekend, I was at the clinic I was directed to go to, by 6:45 a.m., and I ended up leaving the clinic around 3:15 p.m., almost nine hours. But -- I ended up with a psychiatrist, a therapist, prescriptions for proper medications, and appointments to come back next week with the therapist, and in three weeks, with the psychiatrist. And for those following this saga, my guilt ridden ex-boss donated the balance due on my rent so I was able to get that weight off my shoulders.

Tomorrow, I will attend my first real AA meeting. Not sure what to expect. I hope to find a sponsor, just in case there is some need in the future. I am detoxing extremely well off alcohol, only slight shaking of the hands, and that's it. Not bad for someone who drank as much as I did daily for as long as I did.

It's taken a few days to adjust to the medications. I have not needed to take any of the anxiety pills, just the depression medicine and the nightly sleeping pills, which, by the way, I have enjoyed my first full night of sleep in YEARS!!! For anyone interested in major depressive disorder, here is a nice explanation over at Wikipedia, where you can see, not everyone who is diagnosed with MDD drinks, but just about everyone with MDD will at some point in time, attempt suicide. It is interesting to note that my regular physician failed to catch any of my obvious symptoms (or anyone else for that matter), despite the fact that I was screaming out loud that I did not want to live, and fuck, I even told my grandson who is barely 10 years old! Can you say "oblivious?"

Now, on the bright side, I am eating, which is something that almost completely disappeared from my life. I practically had to force myself to just eat one meal in the evening, and that was only because I was concerned how my body would react to the alcohol if there was no food in my body. How's that for stupid?

I haven't been totally oblivious to the conventions. However, I was in the psych hospital during the RNC so no one was interested in THAT facility to watch. Since I have been out, I've been able to see the DNC on CNN, but I have been able to see the highlight speeches from the RNC based on You Tube videos and other various news outlets. I'll get back to my political posts soon. Gotta say though, and you all know I don't belong to any party, and as much as the guy sold the democrats out, I so enjoyed Bill Clinton's speech. "The DNC also surpassed the RNC in ratings; even competing with the opening night of NFL football, more people tuned in to Bill Clinton’s DNC speech than the second half of the Cowboys-Giants game." (Raising hand, yes, I too, did that)

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